Only in Kenya

It Came by Ship Pt. 31

2010-04-07T15:25:00.002+03:00

Spotted in Lavingware, Nairobi.

Original Key Pad Lock

2010-04-07T15:22:00.001+03:00

Spotted in Nakuru.

Sex Sells...

2010-04-07T15:21:00.002+03:00

Spotted along Biashara Street, Nairobi.

World's Largest Condom?

2010-04-07T15:20:00.003+03:00

Spotted in Kiria-ini, Murang'a District.

It Came by Ship Pt. 30

2010-04-07T15:03:00.002+03:00

Spotted at the Westlands Bus Park.

It Came by Ship Pt. 29

2010-03-03T11:18:00.002+03:00

Spotted at the Sarit notice board.

It Came by Ship Pt. 28

2010-03-03T11:14:00.003+03:00

All these were from one menu. More proof that designers need copywriters.

It Came by Ship Pt. 27

2010-03-03T11:00:00.002+03:00

Spotted in Kawangware, Nairobi.

Security Concerns

2010-03-03T08:27:00.002+03:00

Spotted in the gents, Steers Wabera Street.

It Came by Ship Pt. 26

2010-03-03T08:23:00.003+03:00

Spotted in Kawangware, Nairobi.

Mombasa School

2010-02-10T12:46:00.001+03:00

Where to take your mannerless tots. And govt officials responsible for the disappearance of FPE money.

It Came by Ship Pt 25

2010-02-10T12:43:00.001+03:00

Spotted on NTV. Monday 8th Feb 2010. 4pm news.

It Came by Ship Pt 24

2010-01-12T20:54:00.001+03:00

Spotted in Kitengela.

Cape Town Signs

2010-01-02T00:11:00.007+03:00

Didn't wait to see who gives the kisses. Spotted Cape Town CBD.

Had to eat here. Spotted in Simon's Town.

What about dads with toddlers? Spotted at Canal Walk.

Nice! Spotted in Simon's Town.

Pray we don't get to this in Kenya. Spotted at the main taxi park, Cape Town.

Success Cards

2009-10-29T01:52:00.002+03:00

The reason why candidates binge after exams.

It Came by Ship Pt 23

2009-10-26T10:01:00.001+03:00

Spotted on Citizen TV.

Warning Sign

2009-10-25T20:39:00.004+03:00

Wow... no beating about the bush with niceties like 'please' and 'kindly'. Get straight to the point and get your message home effectively. Just brilliant!

Raw Talent

2009-10-21T20:10:00.002+03:00

It takes more than guts to pose like this guy in the middle of Nairobi - even if it is for TV. My guy, you will go far! Just make sure you have some clothes on first.

It Came by Ship Pt 22

2009-10-21T20:04:00.001+03:00

Nairobi Java House mini menu.

It Came by Ship Pt 21

2009-10-21T20:01:00.002+03:00

Spotted in Ngara, Nairobi.

It Came by Ship Pt 20

2009-10-21T19:57:00.002+03:00

Phoenician Restaurant Menu. A case of not wanting it good, but wanting it Tuesday.

Bicycle Lanes

2009-10-21T19:50:00.005+03:00

What happened to cycling lanes in Nairobi? All roads being resurfaced and built have total disregard for the greenest and most convenient mode of transport. Outside Kakamega, anyone know of any other Kenyan town with proper cycling lanes?

It Came by Ship Pt 19

2009-10-21T19:41:00.003+03:00

Spotted - as expected - in a Mombasa restaurant.

It Came by Ship Pt 18

2009-10-21T19:39:00.003+03:00

Spotted on Citizen TV.

Utumishi kwa wote?

2009-10-21T19:31:00.003+03:00

This cop stopped me for 'speeding' - driving at 109 on a 100kph road. I protested and said I knew the law that restricts speed on a single lane highway to 100kph and 110kph on a two lane highway. Surprised I knew the law, I was let go after a 15 minute delay to my journey back to Nairobi from Elementaita. Other motorists purchased their freedom.

It Came by Ship Pt 17

2009-10-21T19:30:00.002+03:00

Spotted in Namanga, Tanzania.

Transport Business

2009-10-21T19:29:00.002+03:00

Whatever it takes to get the job done. Spotted in Namanga, Kenya.

It Came by Ship Pt 16

2009-10-21T19:27:00.002+03:00

Residents of Kia-Mumbi in Githurai have taken it upon themselves to label their streets.

Hard-working Kanju!

2009-10-21T19:25:00.002+03:00

Nothing escapes the eyes of the vigilant City Council of Nairobi.

It Came by Ship Pt 15

2009-10-21T19:06:00.002+03:00

This is the worst crime you can commit as a copywriter - get your brand's name wrong!

It Came by Ship Pt 14

2009-08-18T13:11:00.001+03:00

Lang'ata Road, at the Kobil Petrol Station opposite Uchumi Hyper.

It Came by Ship Pt 13

2009-08-06T16:16:00.002+03:00

The proliferation of 'am's has crept into the creative dept of Kenya's largest bank.
Spotted by 10.

More Creativity Desired

2009-07-08T09:14:00.008+03:00

The leading media house in East Africa should have done better than this. The bar hasn't been raised - it hasn't even been touched.

TV stations used rainbow colours in the 70s because colour TVs were the rave; the ribbon thing is very 80s too - KTN used it at launch back in 89! The font and blue are very DStv. As for the tag line, remember: sell the benefits, not the feature.

The former logo was a bastardization of the CNN one. Seems the common phrase in both briefs is 'We want a logo like...'

The TV ad is a step away from cliche.

It Came by Ship Pt 12

2009-01-14T18:03:00.003+03:00

Spotted in Westlands by 10.

We need prayers.

It Came by Ship Pt 11

2009-01-08T20:28:00.004+03:00

The Chinese are the most susceptible to sickness, that's why we have many Chinese clinics around town.

And one of the diseases they are yet to find a cure for is Chinglish.

Spotted in Mombasa by 10.

It Came by Ship, Uganda 02

2009-01-08T19:52:00.006+03:00

Painting the perfect sign isn't as easy as looking at one.

You need a good set of brushes, metres of masking tape, paint in the right colour of paint and quantity, a pencil or two, tape measure or ruler, razor-sharp aesthetic balance, a cloth to wipe your dirty hands...

...and a dictionary.

It Came by Ship, Uganda 01

2009-01-08T19:39:00.004+03:00

Everyone's cashing in on Obamania, even in Uganda.

If only the profits were invested in grammar school.

This was spotted on a T-shirt on sale in Kampala.

Spot the Cheap Copy

2008-12-16T12:52:00.007+03:00

We regret to announce the death of Originality, beloved child of Thinking and Creativity, after a long fight with Laziness.

KTN, forget that 'bold new look' cliche. You just hammered the last nail in Originality's coffin.

Obamania

2008-11-05T17:29:00.005+03:00

A few years back, when asked why they invaded Iraq, a US Govt leader responded 'Because we can'.

Today, the frowns that arrogance creased on our faces were erased by smiles of 'Yes we can'.

Thanks to Obama's victory, Kenyans have for the first time this year been tightly woven together. Watching him gallantly stride on stage, wife and daughters in tow and his victory speech are some of the wafts and wefts that brought us a joy and unity we were deprived off after our elections.

Jakogelo, we're proud of your achievements.

Sadly, not many bulls, goats and kukus will get to see you take office.

It Came by Ship Pt 10

2008-10-14T14:19:00.000+03:00

Picked this one from Facebook.

'Mganga Kutoka Pemba' should stick to doing his signs in Swahili.

Men's importance?

Calling a lost person? CCK should investigate this one.

It Came by Ship Pt 9

2008-10-10T18:08:00.001+03:00

Kenyans.

We've rubbished the Queen's dialect so much that the Chinese have decided to join in.

I have no doubt that the nomenclature for this food appliance was greatly influenced by a lady from Central Province.

It Came by Ship Pt 8

2008-10-06T08:34:00.002+03:00

A trip to the salon can be a bore for many guys.

But the wait outside can have it's perks.

Apparently, spelling isn't one of the courses taught in design school. I think it should be.

It Came by Ship Pt 7

2008-10-01T12:59:00.001+03:00

Proudly displayed outside a hotel in Nakuru, this is another case of the most populous nation on earth proving the most popular language isn't that popular. Even in Africa.

Heart of Fire

2008-09-10T23:06:00.000+03:00

Every so often, a movie comes along to show us just what we are capable of as a country.

Heart of Fire does that and more.

It is the story of Awet, a girl who will pull you into her life and make you see the Ethiopia - Eritrean war from her beautiful eyes.

Congrats to the Film Studios and Pontact crew for a brilliant picture.

Heart of Fire was shot in Turkana and predominantly featured a cast with no acting experience.

Oscar will definitely get warmed by this one.

It Came by Ship Pt 6

2008-08-27T16:21:00.000+03:00

Some attribute the use of bad English to the school one attended; or the English teacher. And now, the country you reside.

Seems this expat wasn't on the ship the language came in.

It Came by Ship Pt 5

2008-08-26T19:40:00.001+03:00

Nomenclature. It isn't an easy job.

By the time a product gets a final name, the marketing department will have sifted through floors of suggestions, had reps enduring hours of focus group discussions, sought the opinion of the MD's wife's sister's daughter, had hair removing changes upon counter-changes with the agency on colour, font, kerning and leading, finally received approval from global HQ, then... some guy in Kenya rubbishes your work by proudly displaying your name wrongly.

I love this country.

It Came by Ship Pt 4

2008-08-25T15:45:00.000+03:00

The Chinese are famous for their culinary skills. If only they'd learn the language with the same enthusiasm. This is from the vehicle belonging to one restaurant based in central Nairobi.

Happy New Year... Not!

2008-01-02T11:05:00.000+03:00

The characteristic fireworks that light up Nairobi as we usher in every New Year have been given an unwelcome 365-day reprieve. Safaricom, for the first time since inception, didn’t have their network jammed with people calling and sending New Year messages. Church pews were empty and kayambas unshaken. Dance floors had reduced traffic, as did bar counters and cash registers.

President Kibaki and a bunch of hoodlums have left the country bleeding and taken away the praise, worship and celebrations that welcome the New Year. It will take long to heal our wounds, especially of those who’ve lost their mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters.

Kibaki has rubbished the respect he had gained in the five years he’d led the country and revamped our economy. The drama that unfolded on 29th December at the KICC has screaming hints of a presidential tally rigged in his favour. As much as many voted for you on the basis of your track record, we expected you to respect the decision many more had made to opt for promises, and not the work your government had done.

By killing fellow Kenyans, burning homes and looting businesses, hoodlums have helped stifle the democracy they said they were fighting for. The blood of innocent Kenyans has permanently stained your hands. The gains hundreds of businesses had made over the years have been reversed by padlocks broken, windows shattered and fires lit by your very hands. And thanks to you, thousands have nothing but a cold blanket of darkness, fear and uncertainty to cover themselves with at night.

After the 1997 elections were rigged in Moi’s favour, it took the August 7th 1998 bomb blast to unite us as Kenyans. I pray it doesn’t take anything similar to mend the fabric of our unity as Kenyans.

Looking forward, I know God has a mighty plan for Kenya. I believe God appoints leaders, and uses us as vessels to put them in place. All we can do is wait on Him to reveal His mighty plan for us, knowing He that started a wonderful work in us is faithful to bring it to completion.

Ziara Rasmi

2007-08-13T09:19:00.000+03:00

It was a Thursday afternoon, we’d just had lunch and the digestive process meant that some normal bodily functions like eyes and ears wide open were being ignored by the respective organs, despite numerous signals from the brain.

All of a sudden, the headmistress bust in through the door, knocking off a rivet or two and ordered us out of class and onto the road outside school. We stood in order of height, held hands in pairs and a piece of stick with a paper bearing what I would later discover to be the most beautiful flag in the world shoved into our other free hands.

Our teachers were running from the classrooms to the staffroom to the toilets to tidy themselves up and for the first and only time, were referring to one another on first name basis.

The entire school lined State House Avenue like a live pavement with the assistance of a man in a brown khaki suit, a bakuli on his head and a thin black stick that looked like the headmistress’s favourite discipline assistant.

There were no cars on the road for like 5 minutes before a piki-piki rode past, jolting our eyes and ears to the previously ignored brain’s signals. It was followed by a 504 station wagon and a flight of Mercs punctuated by Volvos. A few seconds later, what looked like all the piki-pikis in the world rode past and the man of the moment followed, popping his head through the moon roof of his 600 Pullman, waving his white fimbo and we our flags to the tune of Nyayo! Nyayo! Nyayo!

Shortly, the show was over; we were all ordered back to class and told to tell our parents that evening that we had seen Nyayo.

This happened almost 30 years ago when I was at Lady Northey Nursery School.

The same scene was repeated almost to perfection Sunday 12th August 2007 as the Aga Khan came calling in Nairobi.

Limuru Road is where the show was set, just outside Aga Khan Primary where I think His Highness was headed for a late lunch or something of the sorts. People in wheelchairs, others on walking sticks and many more on their own two feet had scrapped their normal Sunday schedules to come catch a glimpse of their spiritual leader.

On hand to keep the order were some self-styled security boys with walkie-talkies, which they answered ‘hello’ once any crackling noise came through. It was so clear they were the children of security company owners. Then there was a guy who had to use a foghorn no matter who he was talking to. I think I saw him respond to a whisper in the ear from his wife with a ‘Not tonight. We did it last night’ over the foghorn which sent the multitude roaring in laughter.

The flags at hand were much better than those made 30 years ago. These were nicely done in glossy paper, unlike our matt ones whose colours threatened to run if held in sweaty palms.

Normal traffic flow was screeched to a halt by a wailing siren from a brand spanking new Yamaha ridden by a I-have-no-time-to-smile-at-you cop in a luminous jacket. A Nissan X-Trail with cops in the same outrider attitude hanging out of the doors in clear contravention of the traffic code followed.

Then our man of the moment followed in an S320 with real security men in funny-coloured suits jogging by the side. No wonder our cops make the best runners. My assumption is that they’d followed the motorcade from JKIA.

HRH was seated back left though you could hardly make him out through the semi-tinted windows.

Shortly, the show was over and we resumed our normal Sunday routines.

Special Offer of Special Offers

2007-06-09T19:37:00.000+03:00

Yours truly stopped at Kabarnet for tea one Sunday morning and found this sign outside what I considered to be Kabarnet's top-of-the-rung high-class restaurant.

In which other country would you attract people to have a meal by promising them a banana?

I love my country.

I never qualified for the free banana but their chapos, when rolled over a sausage, took me back to the joys of primary school.

It Came by Ship Pt 3

2007-06-06T22:00:00.000+03:00

Mutahi Kagwe left out one section in the proposed media bill: 'Thou shalt not use English in any form, other than in it's rightful grammatical form in all your publication, electronic or otherwise.'

This screenshot is from the 9pm news on 6th June 2007 on NTV, who take the raspberry for improper use of grammar. Here’s a simple lesson guys: it may be pronounced as ‘am’ but it is written as ‘I’m’.

Oh, and on that day after the KQ crash when you ran the title: ‘Cancelling ongoing for relatives’, please remember that as much as they are pronounced the same, what you used is totally different from ‘counseling’.

You must have been very far from the ship when it docked.

Harambee Stars Shine for Nigeria

2007-05-30T21:36:00.001+03:00

They came, they saw, they were conquered.

That is the story of the Super Eagles after their encounter with Harambee Stars Sunday 27th May 2007 at Kasarani. Yes, they hit us 1-0, but as anyone who was in the stadium will tell you, our Stars deserved the loud applause they received at the final whistle.

Even without their international players like Oliech and Mariga, our leading eleven played an impressive game that saw them dominate the first half, half time, and the second half. Their confidence, excellent passes and ball control which included a few chengaring moves that were followed by wild cheering from the fans, showed our Stars truly got game. Gone are the days where we used to just kick the ball and run as fast as possible after it in the direction it went, even if it was out of play. Kenyan soccer can match what you see on SuperSport 3.

In surface area and height, the Eagles covered more ground; but they didn't soar - apart from the one chance they had and made good of. And can't their brothers living in the country cheer... The singing and dancing that came from their fans holding their country's green and white flags in one hand and Tuskers in the other was enough to make anyone feel kimnatho. This didn't shake our Stars though, as they pushed even harder towards the Nigerian goal, overpowering tight defenders and making their goalkeeper earn the number on his jersey.

In the second half, the Eagles started off recharged, but still couldn't black out the shine in our Stars.

Lakini, a match's winner isn't decided by who played best. So Mulee, let's have goals next time, because a ball looks good when being passed skillfully between Stars, but better in the opponent's net.

United as One

2007-05-07T18:52:00.000+03:00

There are very few things that unite us as Kenyans: our flag is one, Tusker, Equity Bank and Kenya Airways are the others.

The sight our flag’s livery on the tail of a Boeing parked on an airport’s apron in Europe, Asia or other African country sends a sense of national pride down and through every nerve of a true Kenyan’s body, and is affirmed with a wide smile. Our flag’s colours unite us in a unique way.

Your party, religion or tribe become irrelevant in times like this as we stand united under the black, red, green and white stripes of our flag. United in grief with the families of all occupants, including nine fellow brothers and sisters of KQ 507.

Weeping but endures for a night.

As the huge African sun rises tomorrow, it will be our joy to see a silhouette of a KQ plane rising in the horizon.

The Pride of Africa will rise like a phoenix and soar once again.

It Came by Ship Pt 2

2007-04-26T16:34:00.000+03:00

I can now officially place 8-4-4 in the failure category.

It baffles me how someone was allowed to sit at a computer, work on Word, type, switch from Times New Roman to Arial, totally ignore spell check and proceed to Ctrl+P this sign.

I spotted it along Moi Avenue, Nairobi.

Just hope my nephew (see It Came by Ship post) doesn't have whoever did this teach him anything. Even putting up signs.

A Bird Joke

2007-04-24T23:26:00.000+03:00

I’m worried. Or should I be?

Just a few minutes ago, I found a dead bird under my desk in the new office.

I’ve heard of people being sent body parts or, worse still, the full she-bang just to tell you ‘We’re giving you an offer you shouldn’t refuse’.

But what offer in my case? The salo they offered me wasn't what I wanted. I complained to the MD and the last thing he said was ‘We’ll get back to you.’

Boss, is this how you get back to me? Chicken tikka from City Park Market is better.

But a bird? That’s a bad joke.

It Came by Ship

2007-04-23T22:39:00.000+03:00

It wasn’t until a few days ago that I wondered how I actually got to master a foreign language like English.

Yes, the language that has now been proven to be the most popular around the world due to inventions like the internet has ceased making sense to me. And not just to me, to my 3-year-old nephew too!

Let’s start with me, his uncle, who, after mastering the language to the point of being a published writer now wonder how a word like ‘live’ can have so many meanings. You’ll need more than 5 digits on your left arm to count the different meanings and pronunciations for L-I-V-E.

Now to my nephew. He’s just started baby class and already feels like switching to Mandarin. I went to see him and congratulate him on his first step towards an educated future. The problem is that the educated future vision had started becoming blurry.

I asked to see what he’d learnt and he brought me his Children’s Bible. Now that is a child being brought up in the right path by a loving mum. We started at Genesis, and finished at Genesis.

Page one had the usual clichéd picturesque painting of the garden of eden. I placed my finger on the lion and he said ‘Simba’. Fish was just 'fish' and monkey was 'monkey'.

Progress was good. My faith in the education system was growing until we got to the story of Noah. His big wooden vessel was called 'boat'. No time to emphasise it was an ark, so I pointed to a bird flying in the air.

Pumba came the response. He’s watched the Lion King more than 20 times so it came as no surprise that every bird is called Zazu. I, however, couldn’t let this one slip.

‘Bird. This is a bird’ I instructed him.

I should have had a camera with me. He gave me a very puzzled look and refuted: ‘No, this is a good!’

There’s a difference in the pronunciation of ‘bird’ and ‘bad’ but I guess a 3-year-old’s ears aren’t tuned to noting the difference. So I decided to switch to the national language.

‘Hii ni ndege.’ Where was my camera?

‘Hapana. Ndege ni ya kubeba watu!’ he responded.

I closed the book and went to sleep.

A False Start to the Safari Rally

2007-03-08T22:47:00.001+03:00

My fellow Kenyans, I almost used the ‘F’ word today.

And that is a big thing for a self-respecting, God-fearing guy like me.

Reason? Discrimination, right here in my beloved country.

As a big hearted photographer, rally fan and freelance journalist, I went to the KICC to collect my media accreditation badge for the Safari Rally. My chronograph told me I got there at 3.45pm. Picking my badge should have taken 5 minutes tops, since I’d handed in my documents Wednesday afternoon. But 85 minutes somehow grew into the 5 and I ended up waiting for 90 minutes.

45 minutes after I walked into the rally's media centre headed by Bijal Dhodia, my patience level had dropped to ‘get-up-out-of-your-seat and-find-out-what-is-happening’ levels. Bijal explained they were doing badges for the rally drivers first.

I calmly returned to my seat.

Then some foreign journalists of European descent (pictured) walked into the room and… you guessed it right - they were served before me!

Mkenya mwenzangu, why do we discriminate ourselves against ourselves? Why do we give foreigners the royal treatment and relegate our brothers and sisters to 'foreigner' status? Do you think they’d give you preferential treatment in their country? Go swing on a tree!

Have you ever been to any US entry point? They have a special line for their citizens with first-class service while the rest of us will panga a long line that will back up all the way into the plane. I’m glad Kenya Airports Authority have picked a cue from the US and made a special entry desk labelled ‘Kenyans returning home’ at JKIA.

Another guy with a potbelly walked into the room, talked to Bijal and before I could say ‘I was here first’, he was out of the room, several badges in hand. All because the badges he was collecting belonged to some VIPs.

And what am I? Just pee?

Bijal, sorry but you’ve made a rally we’ve all been waiting for start in reverse gear. Well, at least for me and the five or so other journalists who waited patiently only to be discriminated against by our fellow brother. I wanted to share with you what I felt but I’ve decided to share it with the world. I hope you treat other Kenyans as you’d expect to be treated. If we can't get fair treatment nyumbani, where else do we expect to get it?

Eric Wainaina Does it Again

2007-01-22T18:03:00.000+03:00

Unless you’ve spent the past few weeks in a mabati cocoon, you should be aware that Eric Wainaina is out of the studio with a shining new album in hand. After scribbling various titles on paper, he picked ‘Twende Twende’ as it’s title. His first album was ‘Sawa Sawa’.

On Friday 19^th January 2007, dry leaves were cleared off the Alliance Francaise Garden to make way for hundreds of Eric’s mafans who were to later tread over the well manicured lawns to get as close as possible to the stage for the Twende Twende Album Launch Concert.

After sound and lights check, Eric got onto stage needing almost no introduction from the multilingual Larry Asego - the event’s MC. The wild cheers of the crowd drowned the crescendo of the drum roll and the guitar tuning as Eric, his band and back-up singers grabbed their mics, and the hearts of all who had come.

From the first note to the end of the performance, Eric showed what a true musician is made of. He took the crowd on a journey through some of the fourteen tracks latest album, with a few detours down memory lane featuring songs from Sawa Sawa. Most notable was Daima Kenya, to which the German Ambassador to Kenya (can’t remember his name) provided a seamless piano accompaniment.

Start of digress: The German Ambassador to Kenya (Germany holds the EU Presidency so you can say he’s representing the entire EU) on stage, playing piano to Kenya’s second national anthem. I don’t think this scene can be easily duplicated in other parts of the world - especially where a Kenyan government official is in the mix. One, because I don’t think any of them can play an instrument apart from clapping hands and shuffling feet in parliament when a bill to increase allowances is tabled; and two, it would not be right for Mheshimiwa to mix with the ordinary crowd that voted him to high office, would it? End of digress.

Listening to Eric’s CD after the concert, I confess that he sounds much better live than in a studio. This may be because when up on stage, there’s a bunch of loyal subjects motivating you to keep singing coz the sight of about three hundred people dancing in the rain, shoes muddy, clothes wet, hair needs to go to the salon Saturday morning is one that a lens and camera can’t do justice to. Even when you get to the end of your performance list and command people to go home, they go on their knees, tear their clothes apart and cry out for one more song, which you gladly belt out for them.

Don’t get me wrong. Go get yourself the CD. You won’t regret it. He sings in Kikuyu, Luo and even some Asian language, apart from the Swahili and English he’s made us accustomed to. Your ears will enjoy the way each instrument has been used to convey emotions that speak to your heart as Eric’s unmistakable voice delivers the message home. From the moment you press ‘Play’, you can sense entire Twende Twende production crew giving their finest; from the instrumentalists and Christian Kaufmann the sound engineer, to Tim and Sheba on the production team. It’s a CD that will day go for several hundred dollars on eBay, not that you’ll want to sell it. I got mine for 5 sok at the concert.

Eric Wainaina, as his CD testifies, still ranks as one of Kenya’s most skilled musicians. And as his CD launch concert proves, he is one of Kenya’s greatest performers too.

Kenyans Conquer in Tour de Rwanda

2006-12-07T10:33:00.000+03:00

They went, they rode, they conquered. That is the story of Davidson 'terrorist' Kamau and David Kinjah, two Kenyan cyclists who crossed the finish line amongst the top five during August's Tour de Rwanda. Kamau punched the air with both fists as he crossed the line at the front of the pack, way at the front, with the second cyclist coming more than five minutes later. Kinjah finished fourth. Their victory, however, didn't come easy.

Tour de Rwanda featured seven teams, with the hosts Rwanda entering five. The other two were Kenya and Uganda.

The Kenyan duo got to Rwanda, oddly enough, under the invite of Ugandan cyclists, instead of through the Kenya Cycling Federation. This didn't bother Kamau and Kinjah. They were in Rwanda, their bikes were great and they had a thousand hills to conquer.

Challenges came earlier than expected. During the time trials, Kinjah discovered that he had to beat more than just the clock. Word had gone round about his conquests on two wheels and sensing defeat, some opponents sabotaged Kinjah's bicycle. Both tyres on Kinjah's customised bicycle run flat after just five kilometers. Kinjah fixed the flats, got back onto his bicycle and pushed hard to finish fifth in the forty-nine kilometre time trials. Abraham Ruhumuriza of Rwanda finished at pole position.

Tour de Rwanda is set in Rwanda's picturesque hills and as Kamau and Kinjah discovered from stage one of the nine-stage Tour, riding Rwanda's hills is anything but picturesque. According to Kinjah, there is no flat surface in Rwanda; you are either going up or down a hill, and for them, it was mostly up. Kinjah, who also doubles up as Kamau's coach, had foreseen this and made sure he and Kamau had trained enough, riding up and down Kenya's highlands and rift valley.

As the cyclists put on their clips and tightened their helmets at the starting line, all eyes were on Rwanda's Abraham Ruhumuriza, favourite to win the race. But by stage three, all eyes shifted to Kamau who proved he was the man to beat. Abraham tried to take a glimpse at the face of the man who was beating him but all he got was a glimpse of Kamau's back… from a distance. Kamau took the coveted jersey at the end of the first and third stages. He traded it with Kinjah for the second, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth and ninth stages.

The Kenyan duo had a very strategic ride, with Kinja, having more stamina than Kamau, leading the challenge during the hill climbs. Kamau, the aggressive of the two riders, lived up to his nickname and terrorised the other racers to lead the rest of the time.

At the end of stage five, Kamau had stretched his lead to a massive nine minutes. He was enjoying the after-race massages by the time some contestants were crossing the line. His lead was however threatened by Rwanda's Adrian Niyonshuti who sliced Kamau's lead to seven and a half minutes at the end of stage six. For stage seven, Kinjah pushed Kamau to his limits and Kinjah won the stage, Kamau coming a close second. By now, the race was firmly in their hands, and not even Ruhumuriza could offer a challenge.

At the end of the Tour, Davidson Kamau emerged tops, cycling 1,217 kilometres in 35:44:24. At the awards ceremony, history books were opened and Kamau allowed to engrave his name as the first foreigner to win the Tour de Rwanda - in his first attempt!

Kamau and Kinjah returned home and were received by a small crowd of family and fellow cyclists. Not a single government official was at hand to congratulate them for their achievements. But it was okay for them - they didn't expect it.

Davidson Kamau works part time at a slaughterhouse in Kiserian, twenty-five kilometers from his home. He rides to work, preferring a route that isn't for the faint hearted, through parts of Ngong Forest, oblivious of the danger of running into mean buffalos and unforgiving hedgehogs, sometimes in near zero visibility because of fog. Winning the Tour de Rwanda was quite an achievement for Kamau having started riding seriously in 2003. Before that, he rode a bicycle taxi, or what they call in Kenya 'boda boda'. He gave a high five to Kinjah his coach and cycling partner who'd seen his potential and taught him how to weave the fine strings that make a cycling champion.

David Kinjah is one of Kenya's greatest cyclists. He captained the Kenyan Cycling Team to the 2006 Commonwealth Games and has ridden in the 2001 Crocodile Trophy in Australia, Willingen Bike Marathon in Germany in 2003 and the Cape Epic in South Africa where he and Kamau teamed up to finish tenth overall in 2004 and 2005. Kinjah runs a training camp for upcoming cyclists in Kikuyu, thirty kilometers west of Nairobi.

Project Blame

2006-11-27T12:47:00.000+03:00

There's a nursery rhyme that goes: 'Number ten stole the cookies from the cookie jar. Isn't it you number ten? Who me?…' More than twenty years after leaving the confines of sand pits, climbing frames and see saws, I've just discovered that song wasn't meant to teach us members of the number line, but to never accept blame! When things are thick, blame it on an innocent bystander. Even your car insurance sticker reads: 'In case of an accident, don't accept liability. Call us.' I haven't updated my blog for several weeks now so whom do I welekea? The weather! Even if the computer has no clue who Peninah Karibe is.

Talking weather, the rain this past Sunday at the Project Fame Academy caught the organizers wrong footed, and without gumboots. Anyway, 'The weather is unpredictable.' It was odd seeing judges criticizing beautiful performances while sheltered from the unpredictable using black brollies. The situation was later corrected by moving the judges to a so-called VIP section. A VIP section in an academy? Baffles me too.

Previous weekend, the PA system failed! I thought electricals, fittings and the like are tested over and over again. It’s a live performance, remember? No time for re-takes and edits. We don't want to have a student fall into the swimming pool when performing live for the judges, audience and the rest of the continent watching on DStv, or do we?

This is not an attack on TPF, but a wake up call.

Let's start with the fact that TPF looks like a well-camouflaged young drinkers' recruitment drive. Why? It comes at the end of the year when students are all looking forward to an upgrade from the current class, age group and soda. Add the word 'fame' to the equation and the arithmetic that will bring maximum profits to the title sponsors will make you go 'Kaching-ching!'

Secondly, this project has been carried 93% by the talent in the students, 7% by Gaetano and Sheila. As Tedd said when commenting on Linda's performance: 'I am proud to be East African'. The talent behind the cameras is however questionable not the best we have in Kenya, let alone East Africa.

I cringe whenever I think what Van Dyjk, swiveling in his black leather high back chair in a Jo'burg studio, thinks when he watches TPF on NTV on DStv. Could his laughter be punctuated with 'Eishhh'es, tightly shut eyes and fingers combing his hair every time the TPF crew blunders like… let's see… a member of the crew dashes across your screen? Or the host looks at the wrong camera?

TPF acts as an ambassador of what East Africa can do with reality shows. What we're showing to the world is nowhere near the finest Kenya can showcase. The students are from the crème de la crème of our upcoming talent but our finest cameramen, producers, video editors and creatives names appear nowhere on the crew list of TPF. To whom or what do we point the finger? Finances? Time? Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?

Let the blame games begin.

Ja Rule Brings G Unit Beef to Kenya

2006-08-02T12:16:00.000+03:00

American hip-hop superstar Ja Rule arrived in Nairobi Kenya for his first ever visit on the evening of Wednesday26th July. He was here to perform at a concert and present the keys to a brand new Porsche Cayman S to a lucky winner in the Celtel Kenya World Cup Promotion. As Ja Rule walked through the international arrivals gates of Nairobi's Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, he was welcomed with wild cheers from placard and bandana waving fans, and responded with big ups to the beautiful crowd.

He later went to his Hotel in downtown Nairobi where he unpacked several pairs of white T-shirts and blue jeans from his suitcases, plus all the beef he has with G-Unit.

Early Thursday morning, Ja Rule is said to have walked out of Florida 2000 Night Club, half a stone throw from his hotel, after the DJ played a 50 Cent track. Luckily, the DJ hadn't dedicated it to Ja Rule.

During a live radio interview with Eve D'Souza of Capital FM, Ja Rule was however evasive on his beef with 50 Cent, choosing not to talk about him.

In another radio interview, this time on Friday morning with Caroline Mutoko of Kiss 100, Ja Rule admitted there were some rough edges in his relationship with 50 Cent, but played down the rivalry saying it was silly, having been started when 50 refused to say hi when they met at a video shoot some time back.

The moment of reckoning came during Ja Rule's much publicized concert on the night of Friday 28th July at the Carnivore Gardens. The three thousand plus crowd who'd braved the cold July temperatures to come watch their hero perform were first warmed up by a cold-scattering performance from the Kenyan brother duo of Longombas. They warmed the stage for Ja Rule's DJ Delight who introduced the man everyone had been waiting for.

Ja Rule put up an electrifying performance worthy all the hype his visit to Kenya had received. The below ten degrees temperatures the crowd had been experiencing immediately shot up to about thirty as Ja Rule run up, down and across the T-shaped stage, trying to keep up with the crowd that was growing wilder and hotter with every song and move.

Halfway through his performance punctuated by wild cursing that isn't commonplace in African culture, Ja Rule shared in bitterness his low down dirty opinion of G-Unit, calling Lloyd Banks a supporter of gay n**gers, and the rest of the Unit muthaf***ing b**ches who'd stolen his style of music. His diss went on for a solid three minutes, during which goose bumps on a section of the crowd swelled in disbelief at the uncountable number of curses used in each sentence. A small section of the crowd however cheered wildly, at times reluctantly finishing curse words for Ja Rule.

Ja Rule continued with his show and performed 'F**k Ja Rule' one of the tracks off his upcoming album which he is set to release 'in muthaf***ing September or October'. He sarcastically dedicated it to all G Unit fans. Ironically, G Unit enjoys greater support in Kenya.

At the end of his one-hour performance, Ja Rule handed the keys to the Porsche Cayman S, one of only four in Africa, to Priyal Shah, daughter of Rashmi Shah who was the overall winner.

Many Kenyans were proud to have Ja Rule in Kenya. The lucky few who attended his concert felt charged to see him up close, though part of the charge fizzled out at the dissing interval. Cursing might be part of the American hip-hop culture, but many expected Ja Rule to leave his beef behind in the USA and show some respect for African culture.

Ja Rule left Kenya on Saturday 29th July, headed for Tanzania where he was slate to perform alongside Ashanti in a Clouds FM sponsored concert in Dar es Salaam on Sunday 30th July. Before stepping on stage, Ja Rule should consider Tanzanians are more cultured than Kenyans.

Kisima Reward Kenya's Finest

2006-08-02T12:10:00.000+03:00

For many years, Kenyan musicians have been referred to as ‘idlers’, ‘school drop outs’ and ‘wannabes’. Those who’ve swam through miles of ridicule, player hating and pull-them-downs in the past year and came out strong with fine music that silenced their critics were finally rewarded at the 2006 Kisima Music Awards, held Saturday 15th July at the Carnivore Gardens in Nairobi.

Established in 1996, gone under in 1998 and resurrected in 2003, the Kisima Music Awards seek, filter out and reward the finest musicians in Kenya, giving special note to equally great performers from neighbouring Uganda and Tanzania.

The Kisima Music Awards organizers, led by Victor Mayeya, had fine details intricately woven to stage an event that is now firmly engraved in the minds of those who attended. From the wide-chested bouncers with biceps threatening to tear their black T-shirts, to the awards podium decorated like a tribal chief’s kraal, and the sound system tuned to acoustic perfection.

Kisima’s red carpet was trod upon by musicians exchanging the usual niceties, yet it was obvious deep down there was some sort of rivalry among those who’d received nominations in the same categories. Inside the Kisima Dome Tent, each table in the VIP section had the pleasure of hosting the who's who in Kenya's music industry: from the great David Amunga, a pioneer in indigenous Kenyan music, to the young but not to be undermined Jimw@t, all showing their support for the Kisima Music Awards and Kenyan music in general.

The main event started at 9.30pm, just as the event’s souvenir programmed had predicted. The event’s emcees, Pinky, Seanice, Marcus and Didge, shrugged off early hiccups in their coordination to finely steer the awards to a glorious conclusion. Backstage, musicians could be seen wiping sweat off their brows after they’d kept the event’s electricity at full wattage, with acts that sent the one thousand plus crowd off their seats and onto their feet cheering wildly. Being Kenya’s winter season, temperatures might have been at only 9 degrees outside the Kisima Dome, but inside, it was definitely high summer.

When the curtain came down at the end of the night, the brother duo of Longombas took home the most awards: Boomba Group, Social Responsibility, Best Group and Song of the Year for their hotly popular anti HIV/AIDS stigma song ‘Vuta Pumz’, which also scooped them a coveted Kora in 2005. They will make a guest appearance and performance at the Channel O Awards in South Africa later this year. Nameless followed closely with accolades in Afro Fusion, Best Male and the MTV Base sponsored Best Video for his ‘Nasinzia’ single, currently a hot favourite with many DJs and VJs. Amani, who launched her music career collaborating with Nameless in 1999, went home with three trophies for Boomba Female, Best Female and Best Collaboration for ‘Bad Boy’ which she performed with Nyashinski of the Kleptomaniax. Uganda’s Chameleon and Tanzania’s Langa were voted best in their respective countries.

The Kisima Music Awards ended at about 3am Sunday morning, with a guest performance by Juma Nature, Mheshimiwa Temba and Chege from Tanzania. They made the audience summon the little energy they had left to keep up with an energetic performance that left many gasping for breath in exhaustion.

The 2006 Kisima Music Awards had once again achieved their goal of recognizing and rewarding Kenya’s finest. The event’s organizers however know they need to start planning for next year’s now, after promising an even more colourful event.

I Miss Nguata Francis

2006-07-21T15:27:00.000+03:00

Just in case you weren’t born ‘back in the days’, he’s the guy who used to do the Weather Forecast on VoK and later KBC. In his days, the weather never got as cold and erratic as it does today. If you missed his weather report, all you had to do was take a look outside your window in the morning and know what to wear. You could also afford to take a shower at 6 in the morning and your body would be just fine.

But these are the days of the beautiful Peninah Karibe; the days days of ‘hata mukisema, siogi!’ The cold!

Last night, Peninah talked about the clouds giving way to sunshine today. This morning, the sun had obediently gathered enough psyche to peep through the clouds. That’s why many Kenyans like me left home in a T-shirt.

Halfway through the day, it’s raining cats, dogs, pigs, chicken… And I can almost guarantee you it will be sunny by 4pm. If this goes on, the sun might just decide to set at 3pm one of these fine days. And unless you’re reading this from Reykjavik, this isn’t normal.

Peninah, talk to your guys at the met dept and see if they can be a bit more serious with their forecasts.

The Tea Shall Set You Free

2006-07-12T14:11:00.000+03:00

Driving from Mombasa to Nairobi the other day, I couldn't help but enjoy the nice stretch of tarmac from Bachuma Gate to Sultan Hamud. The car was in great condition and so was the road. The Japs put a 180kph mark on my speedometer and I decided to test if they didn't mean 200kph.

The baobab trees lining the highway all of a sudden started moving past me faster than before, and the 26-wheeler trailers seemed more like pick ups when I overtook. Then, rising from the black tarmac was a hand, into which grew a body with a luminous green windbreaker, topped by a cap bearing an 'utumishi kwa wote' badge. That hand was sticking out so high it almost touched mabuyus dangling across the road.

I reluctantly hit the brakes and brought the car to a screeching 0kph, rolled down the window to see the body wore very mean face. This cop had either inhaled tons of carbon dioxide or had lost a lot of money betting on France.

COP: Kijana, habari yako?
MWA: Mzuri officer. Labda yako.
COP: Usijali. Leta driver's license.

I removed it from the official Kenyan DL storage point: the driver's sun visor pocket.

COP: Unajua una makosa gani?
MWA: Hapana.
COP: Tuko na speed limit ya 100 on this highway, and you were going at 140.
MWA: (Scratching my head) Sio 160?

I don't think he heard me.

COP: Sasa, utalipa cash bail ya 3,000, halafu kesho ukuje kortini Voi. I am charging you with over speeding.
MWA: Officer, naenda Nairobi kazi. Siwezi kuja Voi kesho.

He then walked round the car - don't know why - and came back to my window.

COP: Basi nunua soda nikuachilie.
MWA: Utakunywa soda na baridi hii?

Pregnant pause.

COP: Sawa, leta chai.

I promptly reached for the back seat and pulled out a pack of Ketepa I was hoping to consume the following morning, and handed it to him. He looked at the pack of tealeaves like it was the first time he'd seen tea not on a farm or cup. He then shifted his gaze to me, back to the pack of tealeaves, gave me back my DL, put his hand down (yes, it'd been raised all this time) and flagged me off.

I left the cop in a cloud of dust as I continued testing my speedometer.

Acting dumb and a pack of tea leaves will get you past any cop.

World Cup Commentary to be Ignored

2006-06-22T19:13:00.001+03:00

* If the goalie caught that one, it wouldn't have been a goal.
* If they score more goals, they win the match.
* This is a team who need to win this game if they want to celebrate at the end of 90 minutes.

Shocking Kenyans

2006-06-17T11:51:00.001+03:00

* People who join me in waiting for the lift. They can see the 'down' button is on showing that I've already pressed it, but proceed to press it again.

* When you visit your relas, the first question: Oh, you've come?! (No, my bed ejected me into my car, which drove me here, where the car's seat in turn ejected me onto your front doof. Coincidence?'

* Cheque signatories always run out of the office, before signing your cheque.

* The owners of a restaurant in Mombasa that closes over lunch hour.

* More to come.

Kwa Nini?

2006-05-21T16:24:00.000+03:00

* Cops will use a breakdown with three bald tyres, no spare, break lights or seat belts, and a spider web cracked windscreen to tow my perfectly functioning car.

* When they get to the stage, all ma3s need only two people before they fill up, however empty they may be.

* When driving, a cop stops you. If you have no makosas, he proceeds to ask for a ride.

* Most 'Fish and Chips' joints don't sell fish.

* The rot at KFF proceeds unabated.

* 100m sprinters practise for months for an event that'll be over in under 10 seconds.

* What makes a Nissan ma3 with big rear tyres that make it look like its constantly going down hill become so fashionable.

* Security guards frisk you using those garett metal detectors, even after it beeping like mad, proceed to let you into the building.

* Why do cops at the airport bother to search my boot. If they found a bomb, what would they do? Do they even know what one looks like unless its written 'bomb'?

Ma3 Ride to Remember not to Forget

2006-04-27T17:33:00.000+03:00

Kenya can be clearly divided into two sections: those who hate ma3s, and those who ride them. I used to hate them, until I got to ride in one and experienced how entertaining a ride on one can be.

I first got to the Doonholm round about stage a few minutes before 8am. It was so crowded you couldn't get space to cleanly plant your shoes.

Some ma3s came from the Umoja side, which we all lengad despite them charging just a pao. Kisa na sababu? They shukisha you in the thick Bus Station's commotion. Emba and Savo ma3s are our preference. Even if charge 30 bob and sometimes 40 bob, they'll ferry your behind hadi commercial (the original one).

Time was on my side so I decided to chagua the right ma3: alloy rims, the rear being larger than the front so the gari looks like 'inakunywa maji', and at least some ziki - I'm paying ten bob extra or maybe double so the ride better be finer.

Many ma3s passed and most fell short of my expectations. The few that got at least 95% were full before I could put away my marking pen and paper. Seconds flew by, followed by minutes and in no time, an hour was gone. As sudden as Nairobi rain, the fares dropped to a max of 20 bob for the Nissans and 15 bob for some 'I was once there' ma3s that usually ply the inda route. These are metal frames on 6 wheels that used to ply Buru 58 just when people discovered a ma3 can have more than one colour. Ten years later, they're back to one colour - rust. The risk of tetanus dictates you avoid such.

Pooo-riiiiii! A ma3 hooted as it checked into the stage. The kange' shukad and some two guys hung on the door. "Commercial mbao,Stadi kumi!" they chanted. I was one of the first people in, and I quickly secured a seat next to the dere (ndio nifike mapema). My first instinct was tujifunga my Michukis but mine had turned brown. Anyway, he isn't even Transport minister any more.

The two 'hangers' were each given a blue by the kange' and we sped off at like a sok, up the railway flyover. At the peak, the dere all of a sudden reduced his speed. I was like kwani? Tumesahau mtu? I was told there were cops with speed guns ahead. I actually saw them hiding in a ditch on the left, mulikaring deres who were going beyond 50kph (speed limit on the entire Jogoo Road). How do they expect you to maintain that speed limit on such a smooth section of road? (On the other side of the road, guys were clocking 120) Some guy in a Levin zoomed past us; muffler sounding like the guy had eaten something bad. The ma3 dere just laughed. And sure enough at Bridge View Club, we found the Levin parked at the side of the road, and a guy pleading for mercy.

Immediately after, the ma3 dere was back to 90kph.

At St Stephen's Church, we found a jam. Cops were checking Michukis and excess passengers. I quickly fastened my brown one coz a dirty belt is better than a dirty police car. Behind me, I heard the door open in the jam, and looked back to see one excess female passenger being thrown out.

We passed the police check and the kange' waved at the cops. I don't think the cops saw the chic who was running at the back of the ma3, crying for a fare refund, coz they just waved back.

Anyhow, got to town in one piece and changed from ma3 hater to ma3 taker.

Peculiar Kenyan Calling Habits

2006-04-25T11:41:00.000+03:00

In Nigeria, a mobile phone call costs about 16 times what it does in Kenya. (but don't quote me on this). I guess that is why we have what Kenya's highest individual tax payer once called peculiar habits

SFX: Phone ring.
MVO: (feels nothing because the number is foreign and its at 11pm) Hello?
FVO: (In a speed that will rival those Ngong Racecourse commentators) Mama John, ni mimi (Nani?) Credit yangu inaisha. Sasa, nilienda kwa stall ya Nyawura lakini hakuwa. Kwa hivyo ile blouse nilikuwa nibadilishe sikuweza. Sasa, (bleep warning you have 1 minute of talk time left), wooiye. Si unipigie please!
SFX: Pregnant pause from 'Mama John'.
MVO: Ulikuwa unataka kuongea na nani?
FVO: Baba John, mpatie Mama John simu.
MVO: Huku hakuna Mama au Baba John.

At this point, you'd expect the lady to hang up. Despite calls in Kenya being cheaper than in Nigeria, her credit is running low, remember?

FVO: Huko ni wapi?
MVO: Si kwa akina John.
FVO: Ahhh, haki pole. Nilikuwa nataka kuongea na Mama John. Una namba yake?

There are exactly 2,345,908 Mama Johns in Kenya, excluding those without cell phones.

MVO: Hapana.
FVO: Si uniangalilie tafadhali.
MVO: Sawa.

At this point, 'Mama John' places his phone on his bedside table and proceeds to sleep, wasting our caller's credit. She doesn't deserve any.

Now that was a Safari of a Rally!

2006-03-27T08:39:00.000+03:00

Raise your mouse and toast to KCB and Kenya Motor Sports for a well-organised Safari Rally. Now replace your mouse and read on.

The just concluded 3-day KCB Safari Rally shows how good Kenyans are at hosting a world-class event. And for local aces Azar Anwar and George Mwangi to hit the finishing ramp first, that was the perfect medallion needed on the organisers' necks. From Friday's thrilling 1.5km spectator stage at Uhuru Park, Saturday's pursuits in the Rift Valley and Sunday's dusty affair in Kao-land, the Safari Rally was bursting with nothing but the excitement of the world's greatest rally.

On Friday afternoon, you could have thought there was a political rally not Safari Rally at Uhuru Park. Only the well marked-out course gave away the fact that the thousands of Kenyans who were sitted on the terraced park and not taking boat rides were here for an adrenalin-oozing event. Every hand-brake corner, car spin, barrier cross and tyre-burning skid stop was met with wild cheers reminiscent of 2002 Rainbow Rallies.

Despite a dampening Saturday start with Uganda's Riyaz Kurji surviving a fatal crash in the Kinungi Section, the rest of the day was filled with fast-paced action as those who jammed the shores of Lake Elementaita witnessed. Car left clouds of salty dust that scared pelicans and flamingoes, but not spectators.

Sunday's spectator section at the traditional Stoni Athi had Kenyans hanging on trees, cliffs and any available space to get a glimpse of the action. And the drivers never let the fans down. Led by over-night leaders Azar Anwar and George Mwangi, the rally drivers displayed their mad driving skills, not honouring basic rules like slow down at jumps, sharp corners or rough surfaces. Noises of turbo-powered engines, punctuated with wild cheers from the crowd filled the hot and dusty air. As a dust-covered spectator cum neighbour took a shower Sunday evening, I could hear her making Impreza and Evo noises. Clearly, she'd enjoyed the Safari Rally.

Thanks to KCB, Kenya Motor Sports and all other sponsors for keeping the Safari Rally's spirit alive. Congrats to Azar Anwar, George Mwangi and all other 25 drivers and their navigators who made it to the KICC podium.

WRC, Kenya and the Safari Rally are ready to get back on your calendar. Are you?

Wag the Dog

2006-03-17T09:25:00.000+03:00

My fellow Kenyans, I'd like you to press the red buton right above you. When the bus comes to a stop, please alight from the bus. After the dust settles as it continues with its journey, read the huge sign on its rear window; the sign below 'Emergency Door'. Mercenary Saga. That's what you've been riding for two weeks now. And, sad to believe, its been a 'Wag the Dog', Kenyan style.

Just in case you weren't keen on a hollywood by-product a few years ago, Wag the Dog is a movie where the US president calls on a top hollywood director to create a war to divert attention from a sex scandal he's dipped his whole body in.

Back home, you can't fail to see the link between the arrogant Armenians, defensive Raila and Kalonzo, and a leaning-on-one-side-of-the-fence government. The cover up? Anglo Leasing, Ndung'u Report, Kanga Squad, Goldenberg and a list that stretches from here to Loki on hot issues the serikali has no gloves to hold.

For once, both the serikali and ODM have a common enemy: the public. Its demanding action on corrupt individuals and land grabbers, all well represented in both sides of the political fence. A lorry ready to carry furniture is parked right outside Uncle Moody's office; placards and banners asking for Agwambo and other ODM characters to return mali ya uma are being printed in the hundreds in River Road; Kenyan Demonstrators Ltd. has been contracted by several NGOs to stage protest marches on press freedom and the two hot coals named above.

To shift focus and buy time, two Armenian actors scouting for movie locations in the country are called by the powers that be and paid to star in a movie. Location in Runda is provided, and transport too. Only thing is that Armenians don't have a clue on how to remove paper stuck on number plates. A supporting cast of Agwambo, Ms Mwai, Kalonzo and Mutua is briefed on the script, NTV, KBC, KTN and Citizen cameras are hired for the shoot and the low-budget production is on.

As one English man said in 856 AD, 'the rest is history'. We have 30 million Kenyans being treated to a free movie (and no popcorn) daily, while they forget the murk the governemnt left outside their houses.

The tail has been wagged.

I Love the 9pm News!

2006-03-15T18:24:00.000+03:00

Nothing can remove me from my front of the TV seat at 9pm. Its the only time I can watch our politicians throwing accusations and allegations at each other, as we watch from our ring-side couches. Its a solid 30-minutes of unbeatable entertainment of cleverly-edited news footage ofeaturing: he said this (play clip 1a) then he replied like this (play clip 2a). He reacted to the accusation like this (play clip 1b), and in reality, this is what happened (play clip 2b).

Thank you News Editors for making 9pm to 9.30pm the boringest and most predicatble TV time.

Making of Mercenary Movie

2006-03-15T09:04:00.000+03:00

What we need:

1. A red saloon car to add a sense of mystery.
2. A dog that bites in the night but friendly in the day.
3. Two passenger manifests.
4. Two caucasians with western European accents.
5. Enough bling to drop Pattni's jaw.

PTO

The Blog Starts Here

2006-03-15T08:31:00.000+03:00

One week, the bulbs of our domestic CRTs are bombarded with pictures of journalists asking ministers if they'll resign. Some do (later admitting they actually got fired) and others (older and wiser?) stay put. Even after being served with a 72-hour notice to vacate their lavishly-furnished offices.

Next week, Kanga Squad pay a not so friendly visit to Standard Group establishments. Dressed in ODM colours I should add. They pull a few wires, carry a few hard disks and later prove they can't stop a fire accidentally started by sleeping watchmen.

This week, two caucasian looking but not speaking gentlemen, dressed in bling that will ashame Diddy let alone Prezzo are given acess to the VIP lounge at JKIA. "How much you pay me for mercenary?" Where's Ian Mbugua to teach these guys some acting skills. I hear their set in Runda wasn't even fully built. But they do tell us they made recordings of their meetings with some ODM guys - Githongo Style!

Who remembers Anglo Leasing?

And Mr Ndung'u's Report?